Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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