Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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