Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
