how do flat chested girls get laid?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
