Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
