Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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