we're blogging at a bar
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
