i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
