After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
