mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
