Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
