i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize