dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
