I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
