No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
