Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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