For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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