I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
