You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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