I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
