Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
