I met the friendliest cop last night
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
