mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize