If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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