She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize