What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
