A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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