I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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