I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
