Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
