# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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