My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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