you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
