just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
