I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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