Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
