i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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