I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
