I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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