we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
