I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
