I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
