We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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