I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
