Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
