Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
