every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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