i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
