she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
They have beer where we have blood.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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