Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
