Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
