STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
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