yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
