Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
