bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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