I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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