im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
