Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
