My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
