I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
