I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
