I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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