I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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