no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The Olympian is in my bed
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
