I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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