Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
